Man’s OCD Inflamed By Sight Of Person Using Same Knife For Butter & Jam


ONE LOCAL Waterford man is about fall off a cliff of anxiety after baring witness to an unhinged lunatic using a knife to liberally butter their scone before plunging the same knife into a jam pot with a devil may care attitude.

“Don’t look, don’t look, it isn’t happening, just ignore,” Damian Cantwell reassured himself, unable to turn his gaze away from a neighbouring table at Second Helpings Cafe, as the feral patron next to him engaged in the most egregious breach of the peace in record history.

His leg now shaking rapidly and his feet tapping like Michael Flatley’s understudy, Cantwell was unable to process the conversation he was having with his girlfriend while the man next to him tore up the concepts of common decency and clean, single use cutlery used for one specific purpose.

Making matters worse the man at the centre of inflaming Cantwell’s OCD was also sitting away from his table with the seat an an odd angle, and his plate not remotely centred on the table.

Finally sending Cantwell over the edge, the psychopath seemed content to attempt to spread cold clumps of butter across the scone, desecrating the structural integrity of the baked good and reducing it to floury rubble.

“No,” Cantwell cried out, before diving between the man’s knife and the jam pot in an attempt to stop the abomination and crime against humanity from being perpetrated.