Missing Limerick Man Found Safe And Well

GARDAÍ have ended their missing persons search for Limerick man Niall Collins after he made his first appearance in front of the Irish media in weeks, much to the relief of the Irish public.

“Oh thank God, I’d thought we’d lost him,” said one concerned member of the public, who had joined the many high profile searches which combed the corridors of Leinster House, Limerick Council, Twitter and the homes of Neil Collins and Niall O’Connor.

A number of impassioned appeals had been made by loved ones including Leo Varadkar and Micheál Martin who insisted that Collins should make his location known and that it didn’t matter if he knew his wife had an interest in buying public land in 2007 when he was a councillor, they only wanted him for his vote in the Dáil and he wouldn’t be made talk about the land stuff.

“Oh yeah I 100% knew my wife was looking to buy the land,” said Collins in his first dealing with the media since coming out of hiding, as Varadkar and Martin buried their heads in their hands before putting up missing posters of Collins on lampposts again and bundling the Limerick man into a van.

Previously, there had been criticism at how inefficient the search had been as volunteers consistently said Collins had been found with his pants around his ankles in The Ditch countless times.

“Not only was he found safe and sound, his inability to speak and answer questions has been cured, it’s a miracle. We’re so thankful Niall came forward and spoke up, just when the attention on him was dying down, in the most confusing, rambling and unclear way which casts further doubt on his version of events,” cheered the public.