Ireland Urged To Move On From Eurovision, Play The Field


“EUROVISION isn’t going to text you honey, it’s time to move on”

The words of Ireland’s closest and most supportive girlfriends, who rushed to the nation’s side as the ultimate music competition fuckboy left it waiting by the phone once more.

“So what if you see blue ticks on the 50 WhatsApp messages you sent, Eurovision is bad news. Oh c’mon, shut up about the good times you had, that was so long ago Netflix was called Xtravision,” encouraged Ireland’s friends, breaking out the ice cream and wine.

Ireland, routinely ignored as Eurovision plays the hardest to get version of playing hard to get, is nursing fresh heartbreak knowing it bought this gold sequined playsuit for nothing and will have to watch its former flame get busy with multiple partners on Saturday in front of the whole world.

“Have you seen the state of the people Eurovision is into these days? Ireland, you’re a straight up 10! But they pick the human centipede looking cha cha cha weirdo? You can do better” friends offered up in a pep talk.

“And don’t freak out on us, just hear us out but maybe it’s time to play the field. Get some one night stands and strides of pride under your belt. It doesn’t have to be serious, but the Grammys look fun, the Mercury Prize is cute, and sure the World Choir Games seems square but you’ll never know until you put yourself out there,” pleaded friends.

Ireland failed to hear much of the exchanges as it had drifted off into a day dream in which it was climaxing after being showered in twelve points after twelve points.