Breaking: Dad Wants To Know Who Fucked With The Toaster Settings

IN WHAT is believed to be the largest investigation ever launched inside the four walls of no.23 Riverside Court, Waterford, father-of-three Declan Heslip has vowed to get to the bottom of who has altered the perfectly adjusted settings on the toaster.

“It was an untameable beast for so long, do you know the blood, sweat and tears it took me to get the settings just right?” Heslip lectured his wife and children who had convened in the kitchen.

“I had to caress her, talk to her, watch as she set fire to a dozen Brennans slice pans before I found toast Nirvana,” said Heslip, who had never once entertained the idea of replacing the dangerously malfunctioning and unruly 12-year-old toaster.

With no witnesses or perpetrators willing to come forward Heslip had to drop his bad cop facade and change to even badder cop in a bid to get answers.

“Don’t give me that ‘the cat might have jumped on the kitchen counter and done it’ bullshit. That shade of light brown was the only thing I had going for me, my lifeline during the stress and chaos that engulfs this house and one of you has ruined it,” Heslip said, perhaps taking it too seriously.

With his repeat viewings of Knives Out and Glass Onion to go on for helping him in his investigation, Heslip in no way close to apprehending the perpetrator but he was now speaking with a southern accent.