How Ireland Is Celebrating The King’s Coronation


LIKE all other 8 billion inhabitants of planet earth, Ireland is ‘Coronation Crazy’ and is fit to burst with excitement at the prospect of King Charles donning a crown in front of adoring and loyal public.

And here’s all the ways Ireland is celebrating the historic occasion:

– Special masses will be laid on around Ireland, allowing people a place to pray for torrential rain to hit London.

– Getting the calculator out and working out how much good £100mn could do for poor people across Britain if it wasn’t been spent on a party for Charles.

– Generally staring in the direction of England incredulously while wondering if they should contact NHS mental health professionals on England’s behalf.

– Any horse born in Ireland on Coronation Day must bare the name Camilla

– Invite Paul Burrell onto the Late Late to chat shit about Charles.

– Just like England came up with a ‘coronation chicken’ recipe in 1953 when Queen Elizabeth ascended to the throne, Ireland has developed ‘coronation manure’ a signature manure which is made by combining the faeces of cows, sheep, pigs and other farm animals.

– A special line of King Charles Tampons with his face on them are being sold in shops everywhere.

– Texting British friends with messages acknowledging this day of great significance for them, the text will largely be comprised of pointing out the fact Charles won’t be paying a penny of inheritance tax.

– Build Your Own Monarchy – one of the more fun events will see Irish people celebrate Charles by nominating their own ‘royal family’ in towns and villages. The rules are simple; find the most inbred person in your town, give them all the town’s land for free and say ‘thank you’ when they treat you with utter contempt.

– Cloning technology will allow The Wolfe Tones to play every pub in Ireland, meaning the nation can sing Celtic Symphony in unison.