Tánaiste Willing To Go To War With China & Russia If It Stops People Talking About Niall Collins


TAKING a break from ill-tempered and politically motivated attacks on Irish media outlets whose reporting has resulted in the resignation of two junior minister and an investigation into An Bord Pleanála, Tánaiste Micheál Martin is entertaining the idea of antagonising two of the most hostile countries on the planet which boast substantial military capabilities.

“We don’t need anything too flashy, just need to talk enough shit about China and Russia that it makes them invade Louth or something,” mused Martin, brain storming with his advisors on how best to move the current media cycle on from the Niall Collins scandals.

“What if I give a speech in which I basically say I wouldn’t trust the Chinese as far as I could throw them?” added Martin of his planned remarks to the Royal Irish Academy’s Annual International Affairs Conference.

Martin hadn’t ruled out yet more tough guy posturing with Russian ambassador Yury Filatov, who the nation mistakenly presumed had been expelled from Ireland months ago.

“I dunno lads, I think it’s the right tone, it’s harsh but not ‘we’ve bitten off more than we can chew’ harsh,” said Martin, outlining his intention to tweet Putin with the insult ‘if you were anymore inbred you’d be a sandwich’.

Reminding his advisors a distraction from ongoing unanswered questions surrounding land purchased by Niall Collins’ wife is what was needed, they fetched an axe and smashed glass marked with ‘break in case of emergency’.

“We don’t know what the issue is yet or why it’s bad but we do know it’s Sinn Féin’s fault,” said one triumphant advisor, content in the knowledge this is exactly the sort of thing that captures the hearts and minds of the Irish people.