“We’re All Going To Die” & Other Things To Scream After Experiencing Some Light Turbulence

WHEN FACED with the concept of your own mortality and how you may be about to die, it’s always helpful to have a prepared statement which can serve as your last feeble utterance before the plane ‘calmly returns to its smooth flight path’ or at least that’s how the airline PR will describe it.

Here are some tasters to try out at the loudest volume possible:

“We’re all going to die”. A classic.

“My suitcase is 2 inches longer than the length permitted as per Ryanair’s T&Cs! Finally, there I said it, the guilt was suffocating me”.

“I’ve never connected with Taylor Swift’s music and I think it’s so shite that I can’t be sure all superfans aren’t just trying to play a big prank on me when they say they love it”. Achieving honesty as you ride the coattails of death is a fantastic way to shake off your mortal coil.

“If we survive this I just want to point out someone else shit my pants”.

“Just to clarify, this still doesn’t entitle you to a refund”. More likely to be uttered by a flight attendant.

“Someone tell my mom not to delete my internet search history, just put all devices I own with internet connectivity into a vat of acid!”

“Father Ted, I mean sure it’s funny. It stands up to repeat viewings but Christ, it’s just a run of the mill sitcom like dozens of others”. Comes in handy if you’re looking to be killed by fellow passengers before the plane actually makes impact with the ground.

“Paying through the nose at some good awful hipster cafe for brunch when 16 sausage rolls in Tesco are less than €2 is proof of humanity’s unyielding stupidity”.