Things That Should Be On Proposed Mandatory Theory Test For Dog Owners

WITH a sitting of the Joint Oireachtas Agriculture Committee hearing of the necessity of a theory test to assess the readiness and capability of potential dog owners, the public has been asked to considered what elements should make it into the final test.

After consulting readers, WWN can confirm that a minimum the following should be included and failure to abide by the rules an automatic failure:

No small talk just because our dogs are playing

Look, it’s our dogs that are sniffing each other’s holes no need to ask someone what they do for work or ‘have you had many terriers before this one?’

Who’s a good boy

All future owners must end this psychological torture and confirm the name of the dog that is a good boy or girl.

Picking up dog shit

This is still only necessary if there are people around, and anyway once they’re out of view just fuck the bag into nearby a bush or hang it on a railing, be grand.

Famous dogs quiz

If you don’t know your Scooby, Doug, Santa’s Little Helper or Balto then it’s over, no dog for you.

Must have social media accounts for dog

And a minimum following of 10k within first 3 months or the dog is taken off your hands.

Not on a lead

You know your dog, they respect you, they listen to your commands so everyone else relax, it’s not like that pensioner over there is going to… oh shit, not again.

How to refer to your dog

If someone overhearing you talk enthusiastically about your dog doesn’t think you’re talking about an actual child then you have to work on your pet obsession a bit more.

General tidiness

Something approaching a believable ‘sorry, been meaning to clean that’ excuse for why the passenger’s seat in your car has more dog hair than a dog groomer’s floor.

Dog Mom

Automatic lifetime ban if caught referring to yourself this way.