“No, Haven’t Been Following The Hutch Trial, Why?”

A MEMBER of the Sinn Féin press office has entered Mary Lou McDonald’s office to ask if she has been following the latest evidence given in ongoing Regency shooting trial.

“You haven’t been following it? Oh that’s great. No, no reason, just gah, you’know yourself. Murder trials; so boring, right haha? Honestly I wouldn’t even bother reading about it. Me? Sweating profusely? No, this more of a ‘self-cooling mist’ my face sometimes deploys when I’m panicking. No, not panicking, enjoying myself. That’s it,” confirmed the press officer.

The press officer could barely contain their relief that McDonald’s was unaware that Garda surveillance had recorded ex-Sinn Féin councillor John Dowdall in conversation with Gerry Hutch.

As the fact Dowdall could be heard bemoaning McDonald’s failure to attend the funeral of Hutch’s brother Eddie and stating “but yous were good enough Gerard to use for votes, yous were good enough to use for money” is the sort of quote that could really dampen the start to a weekend.

“Look,” said another press officer to their panicked colleague, “just be thankful she hasn’t been running on a platform of accountability while accusing the government parties of a lack of transparency or integrity. If that was the case, some might think there’d be an expectation of answering all and any questions on this matter”.

The colleagues confirmed they would make sure any newspapers running headlines like ‘Ex-Sinn Fein councillor Jonathan Dowdall claimed Mary Lou McDonald used Hutch family for money and votes, court hears’ would immediately be put in the bin before McDonald could see them.

UPDATE: The press officer’s panic has been declared ‘completely unfounded’ as prospective Sinn Féin voters have collectively shrugged their shoulders at the revelations before criticising the media for their latest hatchet job which involved quoting the proceedings of a murder trial verbatim.