Apple Threatens To Drown 1,000 Irish Jobs Unless It Gets What It Wants By Midnight


WITH an Anthenry plant taking longer than expected to pass the planning application process, Apple Inc has taken a drastic step to secure what it wants, much to the horror of onlookers, WWN has learned.

Kneeling down by a river while clutching a black plastic bag full of innocent and helpless Irish jobs, Apple Inc has demanded Ireland give it what it wants or face the tragic consequences.

“We never wanted this but you and your planning process, with its public objections and due process, you’ve driven us to this,” Apple said as it lowered the black sack closer to the river and its strong currents.

Locals watching in a frozen state of panic began to scream when Apple Inc pretended its hand slipped, dropping the black sack perilously close to making contact with the wild and powerful body of water.

“Oops, fingers slipped,” Apple remarked with a malevolent look on its face, “oh, I’m so clumsy. If only someone could hurry this whole thing along, these jobs would be able to return to safety,” it added, as faint cries of anguish from inside the bag could be heard.

This isn’t the first time Apple has found itself in a situation like this as earlier this year it dangled jobs at its Cork plant over the edge of a skyscraper, threatening to let them go if the Irish government didn’t fight an EU tax judgement which saw the State awarded €13 billion.