America To Invade Iran And Be Done With It


A SPOKESPERSON for the American military has confirmed that the US will invade Iran in the next six months or so, in a bid to cut out ‘another decade of dicking around’ and ‘just get the damn thing over with’.

The move comes after tensions were sparked following an incident in the Persian Gulf when a US Navy ship fired warning shots at an Iranian patrol boat that had passed too close to it, a move that was described as ‘Iran just pushing their luck’.

With decades of crises, hostage dramas, diplomatic tensions and sanctions between the two countries, many political commentators have declared direct military conflict between the US and Iran to be ‘an unavoidable eventuality’. As such, US generals have stated that they see no point in wasting any more time messing around, and will launch a series of targeted airstrike’s ahead of a full ground invasion before Christmas.

“We’re so proud of our young men and women who will fight in this war, for the sake of whatever excuse we make up between now and then”, said Secretary of Defense James Mattis, making space on his chest for a few more medals, “we’ve been tiptoeing around this godforsaken country for generations, so let’s just get it over with.

“Christ knows we’ve invaded pretty much every other country in the Middle East, so I don’t see why we’re standing on ceremony with Iran. Get our boys in, shoot the place up for a decade, and then fuck off back home. Let’s do this thing! Hoorah!”.

The invasion has been given a ‘sure, yeah, whatever’ by President Trump, who was busy tweeting about a newsreader he disliked during the briefing meeting this morning.