We Review The New Mass Effect, And Slowly Recede From Society In Order To Finish It


MASS EFFECT: ANDROMEDA is out now, and the WWN Tech team is on hand to review the game in all its time-sapping glory.

We’ve learned so much from reviewing games these past number of years, and we’ve taken all that knowledge into reviewing the highly anticipated Mass Effect: Andromeda.

With an immersive world and rewarding gameplay and all manner of puzzle solving awaiting us, WWN put several weeks of hard work into preparing for this review.

A big family meal was held last weekend, allowing us to say goodbye to our respective families and friends. An emotional time of course, but we were steeled by the promise of gluing our eyelids open and playing the latest edition to the Mass Effect game series. Did partners threaten us, stating that locking ourselves away in a rural cabin for weeks on end could be the final straw, bringing our relationships to an end? Yes. Is playing video games until your eyes bleed an amazing thing to do? Yes.

There was more than a ripple of excitement this morning after we undertook the awkward but necessary step of having a colonic irrigation. Far too many games in the past have been interrupted by the need to go to the toilet and make a number two. Without even the hint faeces in our bodies, we would free up some quality sitting on our gaming chair time.

A catheter when then administered with an accompanying bag which could hold upwards of 20 litres of urine. We wouldn’t be repeating the errors from a bygone era of game playing when basic human urges got in the way of spending every waking moment locked into an intense standoff with our console and the knowledge that maybe we’d have this game finished in another 6, 7, or 98 hours tops.

This game has an open world, what did you expect to happen, put down the controller and go shower or something? If Ryder can lie dormant in cryosleep for 600 years, I think we can manage a week without basic hygiene standards.

What will we do for food? We have ensured that every surface in our cabin is made of something edible. We will not want for sustenance.

Is the game any good? You’re completely missing the point. We’ve been playing this thing uninterrupted for 67 hours as of writing. No human contact. No need to do anything but play the game. Society and its structures no longer appeal to us. Their shackles grasp our wrists no more. We play Mass Effect. This all we do. This is all we will ever do, from now until we run out of meat flavoured chair to eat and starve.