“I Want To Help Out Locally & Pretend I Didn’t Help Ruin The Country” Bertie Ahern


SITTING in conversation for over 2 hours with his good friend, his reflection, Bertie is approached by a well wisher who tells him he lost everything and is now consigned to a life of scraping by day-to-day.

“I just want what everyone else in Fianna Fáil wants; to pretend we never did anything wrong and forget about it without ever seeking to acknowledge the part we played in the hardship of so many,” the chipper former Taoiseach tells WWN’s Grainne Moran, in the understated luxury of a Nandos.

Another figment of his imagination approaches Bertie, this time stating he should be Taoiseach again.

He isn’t half amused. “I’ve spoken out on absolutely nothing in the last 8 years, I mean I’ve advocated for no social issues at all, spoken up on absolutely nothing and yet people are still angry at me, I dunno what to think. Now in fairness I did tell Joe and Mary Soap it was all their fault, but look it, I’m, eh, just trying to help get a few votes in Dublin”.

Why not just reapply for membership himself, rather than letting the rumours build and build.

“Now, this might be the first time a party leader, Micheál Martin, needs to okay a membership which is odd if you, eh, ask me, but I suppose I’m the only former Taoiseach to my knowledge who told people who thought the good times wouldn’t last to go and commit suicide,” the candid Dubliner responded, who millions of Irish people maintain is the greatest living human being on the planet.

Micheál Martin issued a strong statement earlier this week in an attempt to keep his distance from Ahern and Fianna Fáil so-called ‘grubby past’. Is this something Bertie agrees with?

“I’m not saying I’ve done nothing wrong, but I’ve done nothing wrong”.

How is Bertie greeted by the man on the street these days?

“I’m regularly raised above shoulder height and paraded like a champion on the streets. What people forget is that when the downturn happened, I was already gone. See, I’m only responsible for the good things in Ireland, not the bad. And people are a slow witted sort, so you have to be the bigger man and forgive them for that and for not understanding things the way I do”.

Will he run for President, I ask?

“I couldn’t possibly comment on that”.

I press him time and time again, but he remains tight lipped.

Stranger things have happened. Only a week ago the public hadn’t entertained the idea of Bertie having the arrogance to think people would support him, but for many the idea of him having his bubble burst in such a public manner is growing on them.