Government Confirm Internet Comment Sections To Be Closed For Duration Of Abortion Referendum Campaign


THE GOVERNMENT has confirmed that it will take the unprecedented step of shutting down various avenues of online discourse and communication if and when a campaign relating to a possible abortion referendum is launched.

“We’re doing this in the best interest of everyone,” revealed a government spokesman earlier today at the launch of a large red button which, when pressed would cut the country’s access to toxic comments sections filled with anger, vitriol and poorly researched opinions.

“Cursory research suggests people’s blood pressure could spike and cause heart attacks if they are allowed to participate in comment sections below articles on abortion.

“Some poor woman down in Carlow, her blood literally boiled the other week after reading comments below an article on The Journal, literally boiled. Dead within minutes she was, shocking stuff,” the spokesman added, confirming expert medical advice meant the government couldn’t in good conscience expose people to comments calling for everyone on both sides of the debate to be murdered.

Following the news, even the most ardent supporters of freedom of speech admitted the move might be for the best, citing the fact the internet will likely turn into ‘a complete and utter shit show’ once the referendum is confirmed.

“I’ve been reduced to tears by how cruel people can be in comments below a video of a 3-year-old messing up a cover of an Adele song, so I really don’t want to be around when people are slinging mud over each other about pro-life this and pro-choice that,” confirmed internet expert Evan Poulter.