“I Usually Save My Big Poos For The Toilet In Work”

AS part of WWN Voices series, we give over some valuable column inches to normal, everyday individuals who should consider themselves lucky we did. Today, office worker Síobhan Kelleher discusses how she saves her big poos for the office toilets.

They installed the new toilets about 2 years ago and my life just hasn’t been the same since. Padded, cushioned bog seats, the stuff of dreams. I’ve been told they’re not heated, but they never give me that freezing arse chill the one at home does, and that’s a big plus for me.

You can throw into the mix that there is also something very liberating about shitting in your place of work. I normally shit from a point of anger, each sploosh and splosh is like a big fuck you to ‘the man’.

I always flush, I mean, by all means tell the man to go fuck himself with a streaky steaming turd, but you’ve gotta, gotta flush.

The lukewarm comfort of the familiar seat in the cubicle three doors down is a joy, and it’s got to the stage where I plan my meals so that come 2ish, I’m ready to burst at the seams.

I believe the Japanese call it ‘turtle heading’, that feeling where it begins to peak out of your bum, that’s my favourite part, when it’s nice and ripe. It’s the one big sign that it’s time to drop anchor in poo bay.

Aine in accounts definitely knows what I’m up to, you can’t be gone for 20 minutes in the toilet and not arouse suspicion. I thought about telling her my husband left me and that I just go in there for a good cry, but she knows Steve, and he’d be mad to leave me, I’m a 10, he’s a 6 at best.

I’ll wrap things up now as I need to scoff a load of curry in order to load up for the next big deposit. I heartily recommend the work poo, it has the edge over the home poo as there’s always an element of danger in the air.