21 March – 20 April
You spend ages looking for a 6-pack of cans that you could have sworn was here, only to slowly remember that you drank them all! You’ve already consumed them! Then you blacked out and have no memory of it! You’re gas, you are.
21 April – 21 May
You learn that the blood donors like to extract your blood for you, and frown upon you arriving with it already in jam jars.
May 21 – June 20
A trip to the vets turns nasty after you get in a fight with a prick of an English sheepdog. He was asking for it.
June 21 – July 22
A popcorn kernel lodged in your teeth since 1997 finally falls out. Oh, the relief!
July 23 – August 22
Odd socks? On purpose? You mad bastard. You must be some craic.
August 23 – September 22
You spend the day watching zit-popping videos on YouTube. It’s oddly mesmerising.
September 23 – October 22
You learn that unlike in Grand Theft Auto, police search warrants last for a very long time.
October 23 – November 21
You spend the day wondering about minute inconsistencies and technical goofs from a TV show aimed at kids under 6.
November 22 – December 21
God asks you to give back the rock ‘n roll he gave to you.
December 22 – January 19
You manage to save so much time by reading movie synopses on Wikipedia instead of watching them.
January 20 – February 18
We wouldn’t wait much longer to get that checked out.
February 19 – March 20
You struggle to follow the plot of Backdoor MILFs 19, having missed the preceding 18 movies.