Horoscopes

158
0
Share:

aries

21 March – 20 April

You spend ages looking for a 6-pack of cans that you could have sworn was here, only to slowly remember that you drank them all! You’ve already consumed them! Then you blacked out and have no memory of it! You’re gas, you are. 

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You learn that the blood donors like to extract your blood for you, and frown upon you arriving with it already in jam jars. 

gemini

May 21 – June 20

A trip to the vets turns nasty after you get in a fight with a prick of an English sheepdog. He was asking for it.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

A popcorn kernel lodged in your teeth since 1997 finally falls out. Oh, the relief!

leo

July 23 – August 22

Odd socks? On purpose? You mad bastard. You must be some craic. 

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You spend the day watching zit-popping videos on YouTube. It’s oddly mesmerising. 

libra

September 23 – October 22

You learn that unlike in Grand Theft Auto, police search warrants last for a very long time.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You spend the day wondering about minute inconsistencies and technical goofs from a TV show aimed at kids under 6.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

God asks you to give back the rock ‘n roll he gave to you. 

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You manage to save so much time by reading movie synopses on Wikipedia instead of watching them. 

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

We wouldn’t wait much longer to get that checked out. 

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You struggle to follow the plot of Backdoor MILFs 19, having missed the preceding 18 movies. 

Share:
X