WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Don’t turn your phone onto silent mode if you’re going to be away from your desk for a while. Your co-workers love being informed of every notification you get.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You have bottled up your problems, but not deep enough. Push them down, down with all the bad feelings and regrets! Way way down there!

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You keep using that cool phrase you heard in a movie as if it’s something you’ve made up yourself.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

CHUG, CHUG, CHUG! we’ll get through this job interview one way or another!

leo

July 23 – August 22

Remember to end all Facebook messenger conversations with the “thumbs up”, so that people know you’re done talking about this bullshit.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

This week is the week you’ve been waiting for all your life; you get called up to play bass for Aslan.

libra

September 23 – October 22

If it’s one thing that old man in Dunnes isn’t expecting, it’s a sliding tackle.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Ashton Kutcher appears out of nowhere! Your whole life has been one massive episode of Punk’d!

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Mmmmm. Lovely smell of slightly burnt toast coming from somewhere.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You remain convinced that Pixar stole your idea for Toy Story. You wrote that in 3rd class! Fuckers somehow got a hand on your copybook!

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’ve got a little.. just right there… here, go like this… no, on the other side… yep. You got it.

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Trip to the GP, or just keep pounding solpadeine? You know the answer.

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