WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

This week you will break your record for most days in a row without a shower

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Stroking a cat while sitting in a chair trying to look menacing is all well and good, but you’ve got to stop spelling out every detail of your evil plan.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Nom nom nom I’m Gemini and I love chocolate nom nom nom. Jesus Christ, have you no control?

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Bad news: your Nan dies. Good news: she leaves you all her money, so practice your ‘ha ha fuck you’ face for when you next see your sister.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Caught picking your nose on the big screen in Croke Park, some genius you are

Virgo August 23 – September 22

This week you’ll start college. Next week you’ll leave college.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Nothing but darkness this week, but the doctor said the eye patches can come off in a week so not all bad.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

This week you end up sleeping with the fat one from the boyband 5ive

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

I’ve nothing against petty crime, but if you’re going to hold up the post office you really should have brought a more convincing gun. A banana in a brown paper bag was never going to fool Brigid behind the counter was it?

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Only the good die young, which is why you’ll outlive everyone you bitter, heartless bastard.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Ski bi di bi di do bap do. Do bam do bada bwi ba ba bada bo, baba ba da bo, bwi ba ba ba do. Ski bi di bi di do bap do. Do bam do bada bwi ba ba bada bo, baba ba da bo, bwi ba ba ba do.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

You are the God of Hell fire, so start acting like it.