Aries March 21 – April 19
I’m not normally one to judge but it may be time to stop referring to George Clooney as your ‘future husband’.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Is covering yourself in tomato ketchup for sexual gratification weird? Sure. But, at least you’re having some fun.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Only darkness awaits. So, you know, it really is time you popped to the shops and replaced those light bulbs.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
This week you’ll mostly be spending your time in the closet. Not because you’re gay of course, everyone knows that. But, because Dave’s partner has arrived home a full hour earlier than expected. Whatever you do don’t move an inch, oh and don’t fall asleep in there, you know your snoring will give you away.
Leo July 23 – August 22
From a purely moral standpoint we can’t abide the fact you’re hiring 23 Asian children to make your new range of men’s t-shirts, but from a business perspective we applaud you. Just think of the savings you’re going to make!
Virgo August 23 – September 22
You know that feeling you get in a dream sometimes where you feel like you’re falling? Well, open you’re fucking eyes it’s not a dream you idiot!
Libra September 23 – October 22
Although you hate that Taylor Swift song, the lyrics ‘shake it off’ will become helpfully instructive as you are lowered into a scorpian pit by those Russian mobsters you owe money to.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
This week you’ll make the tough decision to hack out that troublesome tooth with a hammer. While you may pass out halfway through the hammering, it’s not like you have the money to go to the dentist.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Oh my God Cathy no one cares about the jumper you just knitted you fucking loser.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
This week you’ll convince yourself to head out for drinks with the girls, but honestly it won’t be worth it, as you’re a 52-year-old balding man who has never met the girls before and just won’t leave them alone. At least you get free lodgings in the form of a police cell.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Yes! You’ve been called up for jury duty! You’ve always wanted this. Bad news though, as the guy who is standing trial for the brutal murder of his neighbour is, on the evidence, very innocent. But, I know you have it in you to convict him anyway, atta boy!
Pisces February 19 – March 20
This week you will spend an inordinate amount of time in the queue of Topshop justifying the purchase of that new dress, but we both know you can’t afford it and your excuses are wafer thin.