Tyrone Player’s Hair Rushed To Hospital After Violent On Pitch Attack

THE hair of Tyrone player Tiernan McCann is said to be in a critical condition in hospital following a vicious and unprovoked attack by Monaghan’s Darren Hughes.

McCann initially came in for a torrent of criticism for what was deemed as a blatant and embarrassing dive by GAA fans throughout the country, but events took a devastating turn when McCann’s hair failed to respond to a handful of Dax Wax Wave & Groom.

The half forward’s mane was rushed to Dublin’s Beaumont Hospital where it received a cutting edge wash and blow dry, but staff were left distraught as the bounce and vitality had all but deserted the follicles, such was the ferocity of the gentle pat landed by Hughes during the All-Ireland quarter-final tie.

“There’s no life left it in I’m afraid, so we were left with no option but to give it a one blade all over,” a distraught Dr. Martin Hill told awaiting media just moments ago outside the hospital.

GAA fans have retracted any inflammatory abuse sent in the direction of McCann, with many just relieved to find out diving is still something only present in that disgrace of a game called soccer.

“I was just shocked to my core to think an elite GAA footballer would even comprehend diving, it is just something that has never happened in the history of the game so I’m relieved it’s only that shower of shitebags in soccer that do it,” explained devout GAA supporter Eanna O’Donovan to WWN.

“Ah, God embarrassed was the only word. Doping, on pitch brawls, diving, these are things you’d associate with soccer never with GAA so while I’m not glad to hear of the hair’s demise, I’m just glad the good name of the GAA remains flawlessly intact,” added minor player Gavin Herlihy.

For Hughes part in the shocking attack the GAA is expected to issue him with a special blueish-grey card which also has a hint of magenta, meaning he will be banned for half a training session if it were to take place on a Tuesday.