Aries March 21 – April 19
Oooooh…. fucking brace yourself mate. This week is gonna fucking sting.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
You’re a shooting star leaping through the skies, like a tiger defying the laws of gravity. You’re a race car passing by like Lady Godiva… sorry, just listening to the radio there. Now, your week… yikes.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
It will finally dawn on you that Berocca are meant to be dissolved, and not eaten like mints.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
The zodiac sign of Cancer is pretty apt for you this week, as you discover you have crabs.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Don’t try and control everything around you. If your kids want to go get some sweets from that guy in the van, let them!
Virgo August 23 – September 22
A GroupOn email offering shellac nails for only 15 euro? Go on, that’s pretty hard to pass up.
Libra September 23 – October 22
This week, 12 dozen obnoxious American relatives you didn’t know you had are coming to stay. They will mispronounce Galway and that’s just the beginning of it.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Jupiter’s ascension means you can harness all your bravery and overcome your fears. Order that meal deal for two from Dominos even though you live alone. You can do it!
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
This week you impress your coworkers by giving an inspirational speech you stole from that Al Pacino scene in Any Given Sunday
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Your zest for life is called into question as you press the snooze button on your alarm over 400 times in one morning.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
This week you will go through a tough time, but with the strength provided by Venus you should pull through. After getting our head wedged in some railing like the eejit we all know you to be, professional tennis superstar Venus Williams pulls your head free after some excessive grunting.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
This week you will be attacked by one of 7 cats, I’m not a betting man, but I’d say it will probably be the one with the eye patch and evil laugh.