Dublin Man Spends Lunchtime On The Run From Charity Workers
UTILISING evasive manoeuvres he once saw on an episode of Knightrider, Dubliner Graham O’Connor spent much of his lunch hour today making hard right and left turns in an effort to avoid the multitude of charity workers on the streets.
Graham spends much of the year, devoting his lunch hour to taking the pleasant stroll down Nassau Street in the capital’s city centre, stopping only when he reaches the nearby Spar. Depending on the size of the deli queue Graham often only wastes 7 minutes and 34 seconds of his lunch hour on his journey to acquire food.
During the month of December however, the entire landscape of Dublin City changes as charity workers, known as ‘Chuggers’, descend on the streets like a sinister yet well meaning cloud.
“They’re fucking everywhere man,” Graham remarked to a coworker from the safety of a side street off Nassau Street.
“We’re surrounded there’s no way out,” the office worker added as he tried to get closer to his office building. Graham clung on to the his ham and cheese roll so tightly he lost most of the extra cheese he had specifically requested.
“We had a good run though, right?” Graham added as he wondered which charity he would be guilted into contributing to next.
It is believed a shadowy network of charities ferry Chuggers into Dublin and other locations around the country from as early as November with the city’s street reaching saturation point by December.
“We typically drive in about 40,000 of them on a private hire basis, of course,” a Dublin Bus spokesman confirmed to WWN.
Chuggers are made up almost entirely of well meaning individuals who have attended, particularly idealistic college courses such as English and Jam Making.
While not much is known about Chuggers, it is clear from first hand, eyewitness experiences that their footwork is reminiscent of Soviet-era special operatives.
“I have no doubt in mind they are trained using old discarded Kremlin starter packs that were issued to Russian primary schools in the 70s. Their ability to cut off your escape route is near flawless,” explained serial crosser of roads just to avoid the bastards Alan Henry.
WWN can reveal now that Graham made a last ditch attempt to evade the relentless Chuggers by scaling the rooftops on top of several Nassau Street buildings only to lose his footing and fall as much as 30 feet. The IT worker avoided injury as he pants snagged on a flagpole above the Easons storefront.
A fate much worse than death awaited him, however, as he was within reaching distance of an Amnesty International Chugger who signed Graham up to a direct debit contribution of €15 per month before the Fire Brigade arrived to cut him free from the flagpole.