Micheál Martin Being Treated For Amnesia

MICHEÁL MARTIN has been presented to hospital staff at St. James’s Hospital by a number of worried members of the public after the Fianna Fáil appeared to be walking around in a confused state, with no recollection of much of the past 20 years.

“Ah, you just have to act when you see someone so worried, scared and lost looking,” said Mary Tynan, a passerby who said she witnessed the Cork TD talking about becoming the next Taoiseach, “he’s clearly suffering from severe amnesia, he wouldn’t be thinking about being Taoiseach surely if he remembered he was part of the previous Fianna Fáil governments”.

Martin had held several ministerial posts, including health, education, employment and foreign affairs during the Bertie Ahern years, but after making several statements about how this current government ‘can’t be trusted’, members of the public bundled him into a van and demanded he be treated for amnesia.

“Yes, we did receive a 54-ear-old Fianna Fáil leader in our A & E department this morning,” explained staff nurse Victoria Benson, “we asked him some questions to establish his basic grasp with memory, you know the usual stuff – ‘what day is it?’, ‘what’s your name?’, ‘where you part of that Fianna Fáil shower that fucked the country over?’ and he answered very few of them correctly”.

Martin is believed to remember intimate details of introducing the smoking ban when he was minister for health, but has next to know recollection of being part of a government which was marred by a litany of scandals, poor decision making and foisted bank guarantees.

“No, when those types of questions were posed there was almost a deadness behind the eyes as if he simply refused to think,” added nurse Benson.

Martin is to be kept in overnight for observation, but his amnesia is expected to last as long as it suits him. Our thoughts go out to Martin’s party colleagues who have been similarly afflicted.