“I’ll Start The News Wherever, And Whenever I Fucking Feel Like It”, Insists Dobson

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FOLLOWING an apparent gaff at the start of yesterday’s Six-One news in which he appeared to begin the broadcast in the wrong place, veteran newsreader Bryan Dobson has responded with the announcement that he will “start the news wherever and whenever he fucking feels like it”, and anyone who has a problem with that can “eat a dick”.

The bizarre incident saw the show begin with Dobson standing in total darkness to the side of the newsdesk, then slowly and methodically taking his place beside his visibly nervous fellow newsreader Sharon Ní Bheoláin before beginning to read the headlines at his own damn pace.

“I was shitting myself,” said Ní Bheoláin, who is all too aware of Dobson’s diva attitude and gangsta lifestyle.

“Before the news started, he stood off to the side and said ‘this be where the news startin’, m’fuckers’… the floor manager tried to get him to sit at the desk but Bryan stood firm. In the end, the cameras didn’t have time to move and the lighting guys didn’t have time to light the area, so Bryan had to take his seat. I thought he was going to kick the fuck off”.

As videos of the occurrence began to spread virally on the internet, Dobson issued a statement in which he took swings at both the RTé newsroom staff and who he referred to as “da haterz”.

“Let’s just get one thing straight; I. AM. THE NEWS,” said the 54-year-old O.G.

“News doesn’t start till I start it. Haterz wanna put me on blast on YouTube? Saying I fucked up the news? Man, you want to see me fuck up some news, I’ll fuck up some news. They’re gonna have to rename it the Six-Four news or the Six-Ten news if I feel like that’s when it should start”.

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