Bertie Advises Ukraine To Ruin Economy And Let Someone Else Take The Blame


Yesterday The Sunday Times exclusively revealed that former Taoiseach and selective amnesia sufferer Bertie Ahern had been making secret trips to Ukraine in an effort to stabilise the country and help it towards a peaceful resolution following a rise in tensions.

However, WWN can reveal the contents of Ahern’s salient advice to sitting Ukrainian prime minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk.

Ahern is believed to have pulled out a colouring book and sketched a Masterplan for the under-pressure prime minister, which involved several renderings of cars, footballs and picnics, but more importantly Ahern suggested Yatsenyuk just let the economy go to shit and bring in someone to take the fall.

“Jaysus, sure didn’t it work for me,” Ahern is understood to have told Yatsenyuk while at the same time rooting through the man’s wallet.

“How many of these notes does it take to buy a pint round here,” Ahern added while helpfully reminding everyone present he was contributing his expert advice as part of some sort of charity, and that if they had any sense they would individually thank him but under no circumstance were they to deposit any cash in account number 45678991H in the Cayman Islands.

Ahern bemoaned the fact that outside of his hotel, flights and cars, he would not receive a cent for his attempt at trying to bring about world peace.

Before leaving the room Ahern was seen stuffing a number of ham and cheese sandwiches into his trouser pockets.