It’s The DWWNWCRU (Daily WWN World Cup Round Up)



WWN keeps you updated with all the action from the World Cup.

RTÉ are once again in hot water following a bizarre discussion prompted by an obviously disturbed John Giles. Many viewers complained to the broadcaster when John Giles spoke at length about how he murdered his granny thus inheriting the ability to become a footballer. Gardaí are combing the Wicklow mountains this morning in the hope of finding her remains.

While it has been long speculated, last night represents the first time a former player has made public that this myth is in fact true. Almost every professional footballer has carried out the ritualistic killing of their dear old grandmother in order to appease the football Gods. Stephen Ireland famously lied about such a thing which directly resulted in the decline of his career.

England fans were left unsurprised by their defeat to Uruguay but are said to be annoyed by Steven Gerrard’s confession. The England captain admitted after the game that Luis Suarez had a clause in his recently signed Liverpool contract that stipulated Gerrard play the second half of the England/Uruguay game for Uruguay. This resulted in a moment of magic from Gerrard as he guided a header into the path of Suarez allowing him to score a second goal.

England are not yet out of the World Cup but manager Roy Hodgson explained after the match that ‘we haven’t a fucking hope’.

Young football fans are already trying to replicate Luis Suarez’s celebration following his second goal last night. Doing the ‘Suarez’ involves contorting your face into a horrible mangled looking shape while crying uncontrollably for several minutes.

WWN cannot confirm reports Sepp Blatter was seen in the stands of the Colombia and Ivory Coast game sitting on a throne made entirely out of $1000 bills.

Japan and Greece have apologised to the footballing world following their inability to play what is commonly referred to as ‘football’. Their 0-0 draw was declared void by FIFA and the governing body have set the game to be replayed tomorrow, they have instructed the teams ‘to actually try this time’.

Today sees Switzerland take on France who thus far have avoided spectacularly imploding before our very eyes. Betting firms, however, are still offering odds of 2/1 that a French player will punch a ball boy out of sheer boredom. Other bets include live-lovemaking in the penalty box with a prostitute and manager Didier Deschamps being held at knife point by a squad member following his substitution.