Nation Urged To Put All Heavy Items They Own On Ground To Prevent Ireland Being Blown Closer To England

IRISH RESIDENTS are being asked by Met Éireann to assess their preparedness for the oncoming storm Eówyn, with people urged to place all heavy items on the ground to aid in preventing Ireland shifting a single centimetre closer to England.

“The last thing anyone wants waking up tomorrow is to find we’ve been blown closer to that shower across the water,” urged risk assessor at Met Éireann Dermot Cassin.

The public is being asked to take items normally stored in presses, on shelves in the shed and in wardrobes and migrate them to floor to maximise the weight holding down Irish soil.

“That kettle bell you bought three Januarys ago that’s gathered dust on a shelf in your shed could be what prevents us being close enough to England to see Charles hideous sausage hands through a pair of binoculars,” added Cassin.

Bringing the severity of the situation into context, Cassin urged that people even prioritise placing heavy household items on the ground before rushing out to buy a year’s supply of slice pans.

“Although weighing down the country is your patriotic duty, we also understand that it’s impossible to stop many of you from going for a drive at 2am, morning hike or swim to see if a red warning storm is really as bad as they say it is,” concluded Cassin.

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