New Rules See TDs Only Allowed Speak When They’re Holding This Ball

TO PREVENT A repeat of the regrettable scenes witnessed yesterday in the Dáil involving irate TDs shouting each other down until proceedings were abandoned entirely, a new and novel approach has been agreed upon.

A conflict resolution specialist who has worked for years on the front lines of children’s creches has been drafted in to mediate the current situation and to ensure the process of electing a Taoiseach can begin in earnest.

“Only the person holding this ball I’m holding in my hands now can speak,” said Ceann Comhairle Verona Murphy, rowing back on an earlier claim that she had legal advice saying she could just put muzzles on the opposition objecting to independent TDs in government being given speaking time in the Dáil normally reserved for the opposition.

Rearranged into a ‘trust circle’ TDs were urged to speak their truth but only when they were in possession of a special ‘speaking ball’.

“We must respect one another’s views and be mindful we are here to serve the Irish people above all else,” the Ceann Comhairle said as she asked for Micheál Martin’s help in gluing a ball to Michael Lowry’s fingers.

“This was a dark day for Irish democracy,” confirmed soon-to-be Taoiseach Micheál Martin, presumably not referring to the fact that Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael campaigned in the recent election on claims of hitting housing targets and completing over 40,000 housing units in 2024 only for CSO figures released today to confirm the real figure was 30,330.

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