New York Attacker Charged With Distracting From Russia Inquiry


THE TERRORIST responsible for an attack on New York has been charged with terrorism offences, while also amassing charges of distracting from the Russia Inquiry by some members the anti-Trump movement.

“I don’t think the true magnitude of just what this man has done has set in yet,” confirmed ardent anti-Trump supporter, Glen Guillan, of the attack which killed 8 people and injured 11. Guillan, like many, believed the arrest of Trump’s former campaign manager Paul Manafort would begin a domino effect that could ultimately topple the erratic and ignorant commander-in-chief.

Maintaining the belief that anything that isn’t a concerted effort to impeach the President is an affront to the future of humanity, Guillan expressed disappointment at the selfishness of the attacker, who clearly had no idea just how pivotal a moment this was for the future of American democracy.

“Great timing buddy, really great timing,” added Guillan, a resident of not-America who would want to stop talking right about now. Despite expressing his sympathy for victims, Guillan struggled to display actual sympathy for the victims.

“Nothing is more important than impeaching Trump, nothing, and you won’t convince me otherwise. I appreciate what has happened, but we mustn’t lose focus” continued Guillan, unaware that two simultaneous news items can coexist without cancelling each other out, even if one of them is a senseless act of violence that claimed the lives of innocent people.

Elsewhere, current US President Donald Trump has been pictured rubbing his delicate and miniscule hands in glee at the shift in the media’s focus away from the investigations into attempted Russian influence on the US elections. He also partook in a Twitter spat with a 6-year-old blind quadriplegic Syrian refugee.