“My Bad” God Apologises For Accidentally Knocking Rogue Planet Into Earth’s Path
GOD the Almighty has today apologised for what his public relations team, the Vatican, are calling “an unforeseeable accident”, after hitting a rogue planet with his elbow and into the path of Earth on Tuesday evening.
“Didn’t even see Nibiru there, my bad, guys!” God’s statement reads, which was published on Wednesday morning, “it’s so dark out here and I must have just banged it with my elbow trying to fix a couple of black holes in the fabric of space. So sorry, but it should reach you guys on Saturday”.
God went on to explain that although he could potentially stop the planet colliding with us, he was actually planning on destroying the Earth anyway sometime next year.
“I suppose it saves me the bother of doing it myself,” the statement continued, now explaining the earth’s incredible population surge over the past 200 years from a steady 1 billion people, to a new 7.5 million.
“In the last few years I’ve reincarnated every soul that ever lived back onto the earth so that I can judge them all in the one place, and to be honest, the majority of you sick fucks have not made the cut – apart from Bono and a handful of others that I won’t go into here.
“But not Geldof, fuck Geldof,” his statement finished.
Little is known about the rogue planet, other than it is named Nibiru, however, scientists believe it could be similar in size to Jupiter and will certainly destroy everything in its path.
“Depending on how hard God actually hit the planet with his elbow, we have no way of calculating its velocity or exactly what time on Saturday it will erase us all,” Irish astronomer and scientist Dr. Daniel Maher explains, “all anyone can do now is just pray to God that you’ll be one of the select few that will sit with him in his Kingdom for ever and ever. Amen”.