Irish Government To Offer US Academics Higher Salaries, A Comely Red-headed Partner & Unlimited Stew

AMID INCREASED threats on future funding and freedoms within US academia under a Trump administration, the Irish government is seeking to snag some high level academics who could be looking for a fresh start abroad.

“We just want US academics to know we’ll back better pay for you here, and if you’re single we pledge to partner you with a comely flame-haired Irish person who looks like they’ve stepped out of whatever Disney-charged idealistic view of Ireland you have,” Higher Education Minister James Lawless told US-based academics as he seeks cabinet approval for a ‘Global Talent Initiative’.

Seeking to weaponise the sometimes rose-tinted glasses Americans wear when viewing Ireland, the government is also trying to upload as many pictures of the current sunshine as possible to all Fáilte Ireland affiliated social media accounts.

The government is also flexible on changing the names of red-headed partners to ‘Maura’ and ‘Sean’ if a leading academic requires, and would not rule out teaching them to say ‘begorrah’ on command or speak exclusively in wistful poetic language.

“We’ll let a local family adopt you and give you have an Irish surname, it’ll be Guinness stew for dinner, Aran sweaters for breakfast, your every wish and whim is ours to grant,” added a Dept of Higher Education official.

“Barry Keoghan as a research assistant, Saoirse Ronan as a PHD candidate, a castle for a house, nothing is off limits,” pleaded the official.

Elsewhere, emails from PHD candidates here in Ireland seeking to use some of the Global Talent Initiative funding to increase the PHD stipend has gone unanswered.

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