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“Pity Me, You Fools”

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“IF you realised how long I’ve been practicing this pitiful facial expression in the mirror the past year you lot would at least make the effort,” Phillip Schofield tells WWN in an exclusive interview from the small island of Nosy Ankarea, off the coast of Madagascar.

“Look at my eyes. Capture them with your camera. Share my image worldwide. Let the people know how hurt I am.” insisted the 62-year-old, now fending for himself along with his team of pr consultants, lawyers and advisors monitoring his comeback, which will feature in a Channel 5 special called Cast Away, a reality style show that will run over three consecutive nights this week from Monday to Wednesday at 9pm.

“I will never in a million years return to daytime TV,” Schofield went on, in daylight, on TV, adding “that’s me, I’m done with this business,” as the first of a 6-figure advance landed in the multi-millionaire’s bank account.

The formerish TV presenter began to blame several factors in his downfall last year, pinning the blame on television colleagues, his estranged nonce brother, basically anyone but his own penis.

“If a middle aged man’s morals is publicly questioned for cheating on his wife with a teenage co-worker then I don’t know what the world is coming to these days,” Schofield concluded, as advisors checking the show’s UK ratings gave him a big thumbs up.

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