Diddy Cellmate Hasn’t Slept A Wink All Night

PERIODICALLY opening one eye to make sure his new celebrity cellmate is still asleep, New Yorker Damien Roons shuffled a little closer to his cell wall, tucking his prison issue blanket tight against his body, praying to God for a transfer, solitary confinement, anything to get him out of this cell.

“Motherfucker be lickin’ his lips,” Roons thought to himself, his sphincter clenching as his imagination ran wild refusing to let him sleep.

The US music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs was jailed without bail on a galaxy’s worth of charges including racketeering, sex trafficking and transportation to engage in prostitution, to name among a few.

Sniffing his plastic cup of water in search of any signs his drink was spiked Roons gently sipped, making sure to make as little noise as possible, now speculating how his current living arrangement is going to go.

“I better not end up like no 2-Pac or Biggy, shit, I’m only in here for possession man, fuck my life,” Roons muttered loudly, now disturbing Diddy who snorted loudly before turning onto his side and now facing the wall. “I could Epstein this motherfucker right now, but I’d just be doin’ him a favour”.