Aidan O’Brien Removes Sunglasses, Melts Underperforming Horse Into Steaming Pulp

“AND let that be a lesson to the rest of you mules,” Irish horse trainer Aidan O’Brien told startled racehorses and staff alike after vapourizing a racehorse in his Ballydoyle yard, a show of force he claims ‘helps boost performance’.

“My secret? Fear!” O’Brien explained to WWN as we were given a guided tour of one of the most successful horse training facilities in the world, before elaborating on why exactly he constantly wears shades, “I have to keep these babies on for everyone’s safety. My father brought me to see Shergar one time and well, let’s just say my reactive lenses didn’t react fast enough, but I think I’ve made up for that awful tragedy since.”

The 50-year-old horse trainer, who has generated tens of millions of euros in wins over his career for his wealthy clients, said it wasn’t actually that hard to make a horse run fast when they know they’re life is on the line.

“Of course, my ability to turn living breathing animals into steaming piles of flesh with my laser eyes does have an advantage, but the majority of racehorses know that if they don’t run fast enough they’ll end up seasoned on an Italian or French plate – I’m just sound enough to make sure it’s a quick death,” O’Brien added, as several stable hands shovelled up the horse’s remains.

Asked whether he has any upcoming racing tips, O’Brien replied, “yeah, don’t be a slow racehorse in Ireland”, he laughed, before putting his shades back on and appearing to walk away in slow motion.