Garda Would Love To Police Roads But He’s Minding Dublin Castle Barrier For Duration Of EU Presidency

AS THE nation’s criminals take advantage of the handful of inexperienced Gardaí left on the beat, a local Garda said he would love to go back to policing the roads but he’s got his hands full right now stationed at Dublin Castle.

“We’ve got big important dignitaries to let in here, and those barriers won’t lift themselves out of their way,” veteran Garda of 14 years John Hamilton explained to WWN, a hint of sarcasm seeping through his gritted teeth.

Amid reports of anti-social behaviour, joyriding, Garda cars being rammed and what seems like general anarchy across the growing disadvantaged areas of mid-2020s Ireland, Garda Commissioner Justin Kelly once again read his pre-written call for more enforcement in the very traffic corps the government has spent years gutting, seeing a 45% reduction in personnel in Dublin since 2009.

“If anyone has dashcam footage or saved TikToks of the latest road incidents please let our rookies left on the ground know, cheers,” an official statement read, once again outsourcing the work to the general public, something that has become far too familiar. “Also, if you can all behave for the next few months while we try to look our best in front of our EU parents here, that would be great. We’re taking the latest road deaths very seriously… for the next 72 hours at least.”

Asked whether US President Donald Trump’s visit will stretch the force even more next month, a spokesperson for the Justice Department spontaneously combusted.