Dry Spell Sees Farmers Drinking Into Their Winter Supplies Of Stout

FARMERS across the country have reported they are already halfway through their winter supply of stout and have warned many will soon see stocks depleted if the weather doesn’t turn soon.

“I’ve been on the piss since mid-June now and it’s a never ending cycle of pints, cure, pints, cure and more pints again,” local farmer Teddy Roche told WWN. “At this rate I’ll have all the pints drank come October.”

Hit with rising temperatures, cost-of-living and poor growth, many farmers turned to the drink and face an entire winter of not knowing where their next pint will come from.

“No money, no pints. No pints, no point in farming,” offered another farmer we spoke to, who then went on a little rant when a link was drawn between climate change and the driest season in 50 years. “Global warming me arse! That’s just a money racket to take even more money from us poor farmers… a lad I follow on the TikTok said it was bollocks and that’s all the science I need, targeted Chinese algorithms.”

Meanwhile, publicans have confirmed they are having a bumper money crop this year thanks to the good weather, prompting many farmers to call on them to introduce pint subsidies.

“You moany cunts have got enough subsidies this year,” a statement from the Vintners’ Association replied, who are due to pass on a reduced rate of VAT any day now.