DUP On Course To Have All Members Jailed For Assaulting Women By 2028

WITH NEWS THAT DUP MP Jim Shannon has been charged with assaulting a woman, crime experts have run the numbers and suggest that all DUP members will be in jail for assaulting women by 2028.

“But it could be as early as the end of the week though, if the so-called God-fearing Christians in the party actually followed what they allegedly believe; they’d all go to the cops with what they know and that’d be that,” confirmed one leading DUPologist.

Despite the assessment that if the DUP keeps up this shameful hot streak there won’t be anyone left in the party, those currently in the party and walking free take issue with such pronouncements.

“Now hang on, we reject this claim in its entirety, some of us will be jailed for assaulting children,” confirmed the DUP.

Elsewhere, in slightly better news people have been hailing yet another huge leap forward in community relations as young people from the Nationalist community in Derry are indulging in the traditional Unionist art of burning flags and images of people on a bonfire.