Church At A Loss To Explain 30% Decline In Baptisms Over Last Decade

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH in Ireland is at a loss as to pinpoint any reason for why there has been a 30% decline in people baptising their kids, with the institution appealing to the public for any help in identifying the possible root causes.

“I dunno, it’s a puzzler,” confirmed one senior priest, before going on to speculate as to the reasons for this unfathomable decline.

“Could it be people are getting water splashed on their heads as they go sea swimming? And they mistakenly think that counts as a baptism. That could be it. Or maybe they’re doing a baptism abroad? Weddings abroad are all the rage, so makes sense baptisms could join the trend,” added the priest.

Solutions to reversing the decline currently include ‘auto enrollment into Catholicism at birth with no way of removing name from list’.

“It’s our Mass podcasts, they’re too popular, people stay at home hooked to listening to them rather than coming into church for, I told Pope Leo longform audio was the Devil’s work but he wouldn’t listen,” cautioned another priest, recently named in a national newspaper.

“Well actually, if you look at the birth rate decline it really isn’t 30% decline,” confirmed Fr Paulo Russo, head of the Church’s Self Reflection Unit.