Category: LOCAL NEWS

Marching Band Members Can’t Wait For All That Sweet Ass St. Patricks Day Pussy

MUSICIANS performing with Marching bands in St. Patricks Day parades across the country are this weekend resting themselves in preparation for a deluge of horny groupies following their performances on Monday evening. Bandmasters have begun administering condoms and Vitamin B12 shots in order to help band members survive the sexual onslaught which follows the yearly… Read more »

Bull Calls Out ‘Karate Kid’ To Rematch

THE BULL at the centre of an ongoing family feud in Cork has called on his past opponent to a rematch, following a 30 minute thrashing from school boy John O’Donoghue some time ago. The young karate champion, who successfully fought the bull off from his father, received a bravery award today for his efforts,… Read more »

Irish Man To Spend Entire Day Masturbating To Pornsites In Celebration Of Internets 25th Birthday

NATIONAL UNIVERSITY of Ireland student Kenneth Hackett has pledged to spend the entire day masturbating to various different pornsites in celebration of the Internets 25th birthday today. Mr. Hackett told fellow classmates that he will begin his wankfest shortly after 10am, before continuing right on into the lunchtime period. There he is expected to take… Read more »

Revenue Proposes Tax On Birthday Card Money

REVENUE has proposed a nationwide tax on all Birthday and Christmas card monies given to people as gifts, in a bid to clamp down on absolutely everything they can possibly think of. In a written statement today the government tax department said all donations must be accounted for, even if they are personal donations from… Read more »

Two Men Arrested For Improving Train Journey

Passengers were reportedly shocked and disturbed by the events that resulted in their journey on the Iarnród Éireann service from Longford to Dublin being massively improved. Two men are now believed to be custody following their attempts at enhancing the experience of passengers on the 5.40am train by pulling on the emergency break chord and… Read more »

Hilarious Facebook User Quotes Father Ted Again

AFTER FOURTEEN likes from complete strangers, Facebook user Mark Holden patted himself on the back again for writing yet another perfectly timed Father Ted quote on a comments thread. The 28-year-old funny man immediately swooped in to action after a local news page reported of gunshots being fired in the Ukrainian standoff in Crimea. “I… Read more »