Some Vladimir Putin Facts You Can’t Publish In Russia

WITH the few remaining independent news outlets being forcibly shuttered in Russia for not parroting Putin’s lies and 7,500 people (including several 4-year-olds) and counting arrested for peacefully protesting the invasion of Ukraine, it’s never been harder to express dissenting opinion.

To give a taste of the suffocating action taken by Putin’s regime on freedom of expression and opposition in Russia, here are some facts you can’t publish in Russia:

Vladimir Putin would not meet the minimum height requirements for the majority of rides at all major amusement parks.

Putin claims he is ‘denazifying’ Ukraine but bombing the Babyn Yar Holocaust memorial along with schools, hospitals and homes is an odd way to go about it.

Putin, a in bid consolidate power and launch the second Chechen War, has been accused of staging fake terror attacks in which 300 Russian civilians were murdered in 1999. FSB agents were arrested for planting a bomb in Ryazan, Russia which was virtually identical to the three other bombs, before being released without charge. Politician Sergei Yushenkov was murdered when attempting to prove this fact.

Is it botox, steroids or plastic surgery or all three?

Forcibly shutting down Memorial, a leading Russia NGO around since the fall of the Berlin Wall kind of makes you look like a petrified coward. Note: as does sitting an tables longer than the director’s cut of the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

Back to the murders: Anna Politkovskaya, Boris Nemstov, Segei Magnitsky, Alexander Litvinenko, Boris Berezovsky, Mikhail Lesin, Natalia Estemirova, Stanislav Markelov, Anastasia Baburova and Paul Klebnikov were all murdered by the Putin regime. There are more but we don’t want to keep you all day.

Was voted ‘least likely to be sound’ by his classmates.

Keeping the nuclear codes on the top shelf of a cabinet would render Putin completely incapable of launching the weapons.

Changed the law so he can stay in power until 2036 which is a bit dictatory.

Putin is such a good friend that Nikolai Shamalov built him a palace on the Black Sea which cost an estimated $960 million to build. This was definitely all above aboard, if the definition of ‘above board’ was changed to ‘massively corrupt’ when we weren’t looking.

Despite what he may say Salisbury Cathedral really isn’t much of a tourist attraction and Russian spies absolutely unleashed a chemical attack in England.

Is a black belt in judo in much that same way Austin Powers is.

Got ‘Gunther’ in Buzzfeed’s ‘Which Friends Character Are You’.

While hard to verify, Russian casualties in the invasion of Ukraine so far could be as high as 5,000 men. We say men, but 18-year-olds sent in outdated and malfunctioning equipment with no idea where they are going are probably better classified as lambs to the slaughter.

Back In The USSR was a song on The Beatles White Album, not a blueprint for Imperialism.

Crazy as it sounds bringing up the crimes and failures of other world leaders going back over several decades doesn’t actually erase war crimes Putin is committing as part of an illegal war right now.

Killed 25,000 civilians in blanket bombing campaigns in Syria.

He is the Eir customer service hotline of people.