Nurses Promised Coppers Gold Cards If Strike Averted

MINISTER for Health Simon Harris is today scrambling to avoid upcoming industrial action by the Nation’s 40,000-strong nursing staff, by offering the striking workforce a much-sought-after Coppers Gold Card each.

The Gold Cards, which allow the bearer free entry into the 5-Star Copperface Jacks nightclub on Harcourt, are extremely rare and it is hoped that the promise of skipping the queue into the trendy boutique hotspot will sway the unhappy nurses into calling off a series of one-day strikes planned for the end of the month.

Nurses sorely tempted by the money-can’t-buy-it offer have been urged to hold firm in their fight for pay equality and better conditions, with leaders stressing that the opportunity to increase badly-needed recruitment in the sector should not be thrown away over the promise of shifting some guards and beating the queue when it’s pissing rain.

“Minister Harris must surely accept that we have a legitimate grievance and a strong case for industrial action, otherwise he wouldn’t be pulling out the big guns so soon,” said a spokesperson for the country’s nursing staff.

“Our staff are overworked and underpaid, and it’s impossible to stem the flow of nurses into the UK and abroad with the miserable starting wages the HSE is offering, so we need the government to sit up and pay attention to us. It’s clear that we have them on the ropes, so let’s just focus our attention on getting better conditions for us and our patients, and not give in to the temptation of trays of baby Guinness and getting fingered in the disabled toilets”.

Minister Harris, still stinging from learning that not everyone in the country loves him with all their heart, is said to be considering throwing in free kebabs and chips in the Zaytoon, if it comes to it.