Ian Paisley Jr Frantically Hides Souvenir Fridge Magnets He Got On Holidays

NORTH Antrim MP Ian Paisley Jr has sped home today in a bid to remove any holiday souvenirs from his house before investigators call around later, amid reports that the DUP minister may have failed to disclose yet another free luxury holiday to a country that he had spoken up for in the House Of Commons.

Paisley is currently believed to be filling a large black plastic bag with fridge magnets, ash trays, snowglobes, cigarette lighters, t-shirts, caps, ornaments, novelty signs, and other assorted souvenir trinkets that he picked up while on family holidays in recent years, to save any more awkward questions about who funded his trips.

Having just issued a tearful apology after serving a 30-day suspension for failing to declare two luxury holidays paid for by the Sri Lankan government in exchange for advocating on their behalf, Paisley is said to be in ‘no rush to go through that shit again’, and as such is heading straight to the dump once the kids get home from school and he gets their ‘I Love The Maldives’ pencil cases and stationery from them.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” said a sweating Paisley, scanning his house for any tea-towels he may have missed.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck”.

Meanwhile the rest of the DUP have pledged their support for Paisley, adding that if he burns his souvenir stash in a certain type of boiler, they could probably get him a few quid back.