Russians Guilty Until Proven Guilty

THE international community has agreed to adopt a ‘guilty until proven guilty’ stance towards Russia in relation to the nerve-agent poisoning of a former spy in Britain, following a deliberation that lasted as long as it took to say ‘well of course they fucking did it’.

The Russian government, who have previously stated in no uncertain terms that they ‘don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks’, categorically denied any involvement in the poisoning of Sergei Skripal and his daughter last month, although political experts have pointed out that the Russian spokespeople have had their hands under the table at the time and may have had their fingers crossed.

So far, 15 EU countries, including Ireland have expelled Russian diplomats as the fallout from the case continues, despite the lack of hard evidence that the Kremlin had anything to do with the attempted murder of Skripal, a former double agent exiled in the UK since 2010. Stating that ‘you don’t need evidence when they’re clearly as guilty as sin’, EU leaders have sided with the UK government, whose secret service has never carried out shady, underhand executions on foreign soil.

“I will miss very much the Supermacs and the Copper Faced Jacks,” said the Russian diplomat expelled from Ireland, packing his suitcase.

“But I understand the Irish people want to stand shoulder to shoulder with their close friends in the UK. Maybe sometime in future they will forget all about this incident and normal service will resume. How long did it take after scandal about Russian spies using Irish passports? 18 months, maybe? I can wait that long. Save me plate of coddle”.

Meanwhile, Leo Varadkar has stated that Russia may be pardoned if Vladimir Putin visits Ireland for a photo-op in which he sups a pint of Guinness.