EU Leaders Switch Off Lights, Hide Behind Couch After May Rings Doorbell

“MERDE!”

The words of French president Emmanuel Macron as he spied Theresa May walking up a Brussels driveway shortly before he pleaded desperately with leaders of the other heads of EU member states to stop talking, turn off the lights and hide in order to give the impression none of them were home.

“Do you think she saw us?” Angela Merkel said, now crouched behind a couch next to Dutch PM Mark Rutte.

It is believed May has made yet another pointless visit to Brussels in the misguided hope she can renegotiate a deal EU member states have repeatedly said they will not renegotiate.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Taosieach Leo Varadkar said as May rang the doorbell for a second time in 30 seconds, “you get used to it after a while; all the hiding. We installed those lights you can turn off with a clap of the hands in Dublin, really convenient”.

Pushing open the letter box and peering into an empty hallway, May began shouting, her desperation clear in her voice.

“H-h-hello? Guys? Sorry, I would have got here sooner but my FlyBMI flight was canceled because they’ve gone bust…but totally not because of Brexit or anything,” crowed the British PM, who could have sworn she heard some rustling inside the building.

“Just thought you guys might want to let me in so I can pretend I’m getting a good Brexit deal before I go back. Remember? Just like last week, when I did exactly the same thing?” May pleaded, now cupping her eyes over a window, intensely staring inside.

“See this is why we hide, just listen to her. It’s so pathetic, cringy and sad, it completely ruins my day,” Xavier Bettel, PM of Luxembourg whispered quietly as he adjusted the curtains he wrapped around himself as a disguise.

May, defeated, was ready to return to Britain with her tail between her legs for the 449 time in the last 18 month before she spotted something.

“Angela! I know you’re in there, I’d recognise those sensible shoes anywhere. Let me in guys,” May urged as a panicked Merkel tucked her orthopedic shoes out of view.

Now in a strategic huddle, EU leaders and officials resolved to continue ignoring May’s now very loud sobbing until she eventually went away.