Johnny Bollocks & The Brew Crew Promise To Socially Distance During Stag Weekend In Dublin

THE bachelor party weekend of Englishman Jonathan Barris, also known as Johnny Bollocks, and his 12-strong entourage of friends known as ‘The Brew Crew’ have pledged to comply fully with Covid-19 safety regulations and a 14-day quarantine once they arrive in Dublin.

Bollocks, 27, originally planned to cancel the trip amid health concerns, but was convinced by esteemed members of the aforementioned Brew Crew that they’d be fine as ‘alcohol kills all germs, ha ha ha’.

So far, the itinerary of the Brew Crew reads as such:

Friday 5.30am: Leave Newcastle on a coach to Liverpool, where the team will board a ferry bound for Dublin. The medically minded members of the group have urged everyone to start drinking on Thursday night and ‘bash on through’ to the next day, to avoid sleeping in.

9.30am: Arrive in Dublin and self-isolate for a half-hour outside a Centra while eating sausage rolls.

10am: Deposit luggage in Airbnb and begin a Coronavirus sterilisation process involving changing into lewd t-shirts and dousing every member of the Brew Crew in aftershave.

11.30am-1.30pm: Enjoy pre-booked Dublin pub crawl, where substantial meals and substantial pints will combine to provide a perfectly safe and Coronavirus-free environment. Only snort coke bought from people who seem sound. Should locals appear concerned about a large number of burly gentlemen from overseas loudly convening in a cramped city centre, tackle this by pretending to cough and sneeze in their direction. Make sure to frequently call Johnny Bollock’s mam to see how she’s getting on, she wasn’t feeling the best this week so make sure she’s alright and enjoy the session.

With nothing but success on the horizon for the Bollock party, the gates are now open to all hen and stag parties from the UK to land over to Ireland and enjoy sharing air with the locals. Sláinte!