Budget 2020: Here’s How The Government Is Fucking You Over This Year

WWN BRINGS YOU everything you need to know about Budget 2020 as the nation stares down the prospect of damage from a likely no deal hard Brexit, and the now yearly reminder of how utterly broke the country still is 11 years on from the financial crash.

If this is your first time paying close attention to an Irish government budget, it is worth noting some basics:

• When money or resources are pledged to Mental Health Services; this is a long running cruel prank carried out by successive governments as there will be no meaningful funding or service increases.
• Fianna Fáil will be so offended by the budget, they will faint like Victorian ladies in corsets laced too lightly, before waking up moments later to enthusiastically vote in favour of passing the budget.
• The Min. for Finance Paschal Donohoe has allocated record space in his budget speech to shit on the opposition parties’ budget demands, with, as always, special mention for those ‘Che Guevara looking Commie lunatics in Sinn Féin’.
• 1,000 Welcomes are to be reduced to 734 Welcomes to curb immigration.
• The price of a packet of cigarettes has now risen to ‘nip down to the Credit Union for a loan’ levels. Pensioners are to be hard hit by new ‘forgetting grandkids names’ tax.
• Minimum wage will rise by €0.009
• The ‘dreaded carbon tax’ will be much debated, sparking anger and taking up all the room in the media, allowing the government to continue getting away with the absolute state of the HSE’s ongoing budget mismanagement.
• There will be hikes in the price of: guilty pleasures, innocent pleasures, podcasting, meme sharing, cloakroom tickets – even if you’ve lost yours and you have to wait till the end of the night to get your jacket, thus blowing your chances of a ride.
• Sugar tax will be given a more reflective name and will be henceforth known as the fat kid tax.
• As part of Fine Gael’s confidence and supply deal with Fianna Fáil, Michael Martin will approve the budget after he gets a go in the Taoiseach’s chair for 5 minutes.
• To coincide with this year’s budget the government have partnered with Givenchy for its signature ‘Tax Breaks’ fragrance which smells of Grand Canal Docks with hints of Starbuck coffee.
• Rumours that 700 new gardaí will be announced as part of budget will be given the same lack of training, resources and support as previous gardaí.
• For those worried there won’t be anything in the budget for their Dads, petrol/diesel prices are to go up by midnight giving him plenty to moan about.
• In an effort to sell this budget as the sort of budget befitting an economy on the ‘up’, and not one more closely associated with a broken unequal society, the Min. for Finance announced unlimited finding for spin doctors.