Everything Ireland’s New Minister For Drugs Strategy Knows About Drugs


AFTER only learning of the existence of ‘hippie crack’ shortly after his appointment as Minister for Drugs Strategy and having to apologise for stating people in RTÉ were ‘snorting all over the place’, Fine Gael TD Frank Feighan has pledged to get up to speed on the drugs issue.

In the meantime WWN picked the minister’s brain to find out what sensible and well rounded knowledge he is currently amassing when it comes to drugs:

Sighting the demonstrable evidence that the Western world’s ‘war on drugs’ has been an abject failure, Feighan has confirmed he will decriminalise Tipex and permanent markers.

Mistakenly believes Ming Flanagan is head of the Kinahan Cartel.

Going further with decriminalising efforts, the minister pledged to try ‘all of the drugs’ before only legalising the best ones.

So far, Feighan’s experience amounts to smoking a rollie with Eamon Ryan at the back of the Dáil sheds and feeling ‘a bit funny’.

As is the case with any Irish person over a certain age Feighan’s ideological stance on drugs was forged when as a child a priest came into his school and told his class about how a boy from the town over had died from an overdose via injecting cannabis into his eyeballs.

Like any sensible person, the minister thinks that scene in Scarface where Tony Montana buries his face in a pile of coke is hilarious.

Switches the TV off every time that Snoop Dog Just Eat advert comes on the television for fear he might get a contact high.

Feels he already has experience of what it would be like to be lost down a K-hole as he was part of the Fine Gael government which did fuck all in regards to housing over the last decade.

Attended his first secret forest rave last week but confessed to not getting why anyone likes EDM or why everyone was clenching their jaws and hugging.

In line with official Fine Gael policy he would only consider legalising cannabis if it meant a US multinational could gain a monopoly and pay no taxes on its operations in Ireland.

Is not 100% convinced on funding community based rehabilitation centres for people suffering addiction, based on international best practice, as it sounds good in principles but then what? Would we have to treat junkies like they were people?

Feighan has confirmed that LSD stands for Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds and has called for research into dried Banana skins.

His opposition to liberalised drug laws stems from watching a South Park episode one time about how drugs were bad. Didn’t see the end but got the jist of it.