Ranking The Tory Leadership Candidates

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IN A CROWDED field of would-be prime ministers, the candidates for the leadership of the Conservative party are struggling to get their message across to Conservative members and the wider public.

Gain a better understanding of those running for Tory leader with our essential guide, in which we definitively rank the candidates:

Boris Johnson

His mother was a Cayman Islands tax loophole, his father an inquiry into crimes committed by soldiers in Northern Ireland, making him a Tory voter’s wet dream.

Johnson will not only have to explicitly tell rich Tory members that he will slash their taxes in order to bribe them for votes, he will also have to do heroin to show he’s up to the current Tory leadership candidate standard.

His past as a serial liar, failure to declare expenses, misogyny and casual racism, affairs and facilitating the assault of a journalist is thought to be of no harm to his ability to being voted in as next leader.

Committed to October 31st deadline to leave EU. Wants border as hard as his erections are soft, meaning he wants hardest possible Brexit available.

Quote: “I couldn’t have made how much of a pernicious charlatan and bigot I am any clearer and yet you fucking idiots are going to do it, aren’t you? You’re going to make me fucking prime minister”.

Stance on Irish border: Ignorant and unworkable solution, poorly researched which greatly offends majority of citizens in Northern Ireland. Plays incredible well with members of the party.

Ability to further divide Britain:9 out of 10 Margaret Thatchers.

Rory Stewart

New to most members of the public, Stewart’s latest media-charming blitz involved a chance meeting with a trio of Irish rappers on the streets of London, and his inability to connect and communicate with people from a different social and economic class proves beyond doubt he is perfect Tory leader material.

Nickname: Teeth Face Man.

Preaching a sensible form of politics and leadership which has been long absent from British politics, Stewart is a bullshitting, ambitiously selfish and untrustworthy throwback to the bygone era of Tory leaders like Theresa May and David Cameron.

Is well-spoken which apparently makes up for his voting record in the House of Commons, that upon closer inspection proves that yes, he hates the poor. Has tried opium.

Quote: “I am the opium of the people”.

Stance on Irish border: Ignorant and unworkable solution, poorly researched which greatly offends majority of citizens in Northern Ireland. Plays incredible well with members of the party.

Ability to further divide Britain:6 out of 10 Margaret Thatchers.

Dominic Raab

Best known for being Brexit Minister for 5 mins and confessing to not really understanding how trade and borders work. Sadly, this means he is one of the more capable MPs in the mix for the role of leader.

Stance on Irish border: A finger painting.

Ability to further divide Britain:5 out of 10 Margaret Thatchers

Jeremy Hunt

Stresses his background in business and negotiating put him in an ideal position to deliver Brexit in talks with the EU which they have repeatedly stated they are not fucking having again.

Does not stress his questionable tax affairs or being in breach of rules governing MPs expenses.

Famously while in his current role as Foreign Secretary told Chinese delegates that his wife was Chinese. His Japanese wife is not Chinese.

Tory members may be tempted to vote for him due to his amazing work of systemically weakening the NHS through malign mismanagement while he was Health Secretary.

Stance on Irish border: Ignorant and unworkable solution, poorly researched which greatly offends majority of citizens in Northern Ireland. Plays incredible well with members of the party.

Ability to further divide Britain:6 out of 10 Margaret Thatchers.

Michael Gove

Deemed ineligible for the contest after cocaine tested positive for Michael Gove.

Stance on Irish border: Ignorant and unworkable solution, poorly researched which greatly offends majority of citizens in Northern Ireland. Plays incredible well with members of the party.

Ability to further divide Britain:8 out of 10 Margaret Thatchers.

Andrea Leadsom

Ran against Theresa May for the leadership before and couldn’t beat her so may be the worst candidate in any political election ever.

However, a boost to her chances could come in the form of dodgy donations made to her by a firm based in the British Virgin Islands of which her husband was a director and the fact she has consistently lied about her previous job experience in the private sector, thus inhabiting some of the core values of the Tory party.

Stance on Irish border: Ignorant and unworkable solution, poorly researched which greatly offends majority of citizens in Northern Ireland. Plays incredible well with members of the party.

Ability to further divide Britain:7 out of 10 Margaret Thatchers.

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