Fucking Wagon

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A CROSS COMMUNITY poll conducted in Northern Ireland in the wake of the collapsed Stormont talks has returned a 100% vote of ‘fucking wagon’ placed beneath a picture of DUP leader Arlene Foster, despite a polling company not providing such a possible answer, WWN can reveal.

With stumbling blocks in tense talks including an Irish Language Act which would require hardline DUP supporters to communicate only in Irish for the next 12,000 years and the fact the DUP violently hate gay people and the very concept of actually doing their job and serving the public, many voters have expressed their frustration at a party that insist on ensuring Northern Ireland never moves forward.

“It’s really easy to hate her. Sorry, that’s it, there isn’t a ‘but’ part coming afterwards. It’s just really easy to hate her,” confirmed one poll participant, who at age 22, has selfishly confessed to caring more about the future of Northern Ireland than its past.

With 100% of poll recipients revealing ‘fucking wagon’ as their official response to the breakdown of talks, some people who have clearly lost their minds have suggested that the DUP, a party which campaigned for Brexit, is against equal rights, preferring to be ruled by Westminster than reach a consensus and governing to the benefit of all of Northern Ireland, might not have everyone’s best interests at heart.

No one has suggested that such a poll will do anything to help the current situation but rumours that DUP leaders have permanently erased the words ‘cooperation’ and ‘compromise’, and their synonyms from their minds isn’t thought to be a positive step forward.

“It’s certainly the most interesting poll I’ve worked on,” confirmed veteran pollster Alan Smith, “despite not giving the option, those we polled also ticked ‘can you fucking please agree on something so we can actually put policies in place that will help'”.

Despite the poll’s results, the DUP steadfastly maintain they will protect Unionist culture in a geographical location where it is suffocated in the form of all public buildings carrying Union Jacks, having a currency bearing the Queen, roads, buildings and statues dedicated to its traditions and a day of marching dedicated to a Dutch born King, William of Orange.

While the poll seems to unfairly level the blame at the feet of the leader of the DUP party, no one has come forward to add anything other than ‘fucking wagon’.

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