So You’ve Stolen A Car To Realise There’s A Baby In The Back, A Guide

STEALING a car can be one of the most exhilarating things a person can do. But what happens if you are mid-joyride only to find there’s a screaming baby in the back? Don’t worry, WWN has got you covered.

Don’t Panic

Babies can’t even talk or remember things. All they can do is cry. Relax. Enjoy the carjacking. Pretend the baby isn’t even there. The parents will be glad of the break anyway and who knows, they might even enjoy the spin around the back roads as you drive at top speed to avoid being caught.

Bring It To The Zoo

Babies love animals and no one will suspect you’d have the audacity to bring a kidnapped child to the zoo. Get the baby some gobstoppers to stop it from making a scene. Show them the silly monkeys. Babies love silly monkeys. Bet the parents never took it to see a giraffe. You’re already raising the bar.

Teach The Baby To Walk

Imagine the face on the baby’s parents when they finally get it back to see it can walk. No one would want to press charges on you then. They would be like, “you know what judge, this guy is alright – give him a break”. Even go one further and teach the baby to talk, that way they’ll also vouch for you in court. Who knows, you might even become best friends.

Work Around The Clock And Put It Through College

The years really fly by and despite the lifetime of deceit, abduction and yearly calls on RTÉ from Justin’s biological mother and father to return him, you’ve now got to get a second job to put him through medical school. That car jacking changed both your lives and judging by the deranged and dishevelled look on his parents’ face you obviously made the right decision here. Who knows? Maybe Justin will steal his own children someday.